Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: SA.
[00:00:29] Speaker B: Breaks through my window.
Quiet hope begins to rise.
Every doubt starts to melt away. Now in the warmth of open sky.
[00:00:48] Speaker C: We are all storytellers. Every day, with every choice, we add a new line to the narrative of our lives.
Some of those lines are full of laughter and light.
Others carry the weight of struggle, disappointment, or silence.
For many of us, the stories we carry weren't entirely written by us. They were shaped by expectations, by the voices of others, by wounds from the past. And yet, deep down, we know this is not the whole story.
I am Jeanette Dunlop, author of Rewrite youe Story and My Book of Mantras. Welcome another N collection, the Other your the podcast where stories transform, voices rise and possibilities unfold.
And explore the power of rewriting our stories.
Today, alongside your hosts, Ben Jenkins and Sarah Michaels, we'll uncover the courage, the tools, and the inspiration to write your story not as it was, but as it can be.
So take a breath, open your heart, and step into a conversation designed to remind you you are not bound by yesterday. You are free to create the other you.
[00:02:04] Speaker D: Welcome back to the deep Dive. Today we're tackling something pretty fundamental, really getting into this question of are you living your life, or are you maybe living out a script someone else wrote for you?
[00:02:16] Speaker A: Hmm. Yeah. Our sources really dig into this concept they call the programming trap.
[00:02:21] Speaker D: Right. And the core idea, it seems, is that a lot of what we think of as our beliefs, how we react, what we expect, it's often just conditioning.
[00:02:31] Speaker A: Stuff handed down exactly from family, society, culture. It's learned behavior, not necessarily our authentic self. So our mission today really is to pull. Pull out some practical tools from this material.
[00:02:44] Speaker D: Tools to help you spot those scripts, especially the outdated ones that might be holding you back.
[00:02:47] Speaker A: Precisely. And then how to actively, intentionally unlearn them. It's about reclaiming authorship of your own story.
[00:02:55] Speaker D: Okay, sounds like we've got a solid plan for intentional growth. We're going to look at why building character beats just polishing your personality every time.
[00:03:02] Speaker A: Yeah. And we've got three, I think, really helpful frameworks to share. There's the traffic light technique, super, super simple for self checks.
[00:03:08] Speaker D: And the Juro model, the corrected one for navigating uncertainty. That seems crucial.
[00:03:14] Speaker A: Definitely. And finally, this great little tool called the Wait theory. Think of it like a mental pause button.
[00:03:20] Speaker D: A pause button. I like that. Okay, so the aim isn't just getting through life. It's about actively rewriting our own narrative. Let's. Let's dive in.
[00:03:29] Speaker A: Let's do it.
[00:03:30] Speaker D: So part one, the programming Trap.
Why do we even fall into it? Why spend so much energy on, well, appearances, on living up to expectations?
[00:03:39] Speaker A: Well, honestly, because it's often easier in the short term. Society tends to reward the visible stuff, right? External success gets noticed fast.
[00:03:47] Speaker D: Ah, okay, so the trap is focusing on looking successful rather than, say, being resilient or genuinely fulfilled.
[00:03:54] Speaker A: That's exactly what the sources suggest. We polish the resume, the image, make maybe more than we cultivate our core values or inner strength.
[00:04:01] Speaker D: Image management versus real self mastery. There's that famous story about Stephen Covey, right? The principal's guy. It involved his son who was struggling a bit.
[00:04:10] Speaker A: Yes, that's a perfect illustration. Covey apparently realized he was putting immense pressure on his son just to look good, to hit certain benchmarks that, frankly, reflected well on the family image, and.
[00:04:23] Speaker D: That wasn't actually building his son up.
[00:04:25] Speaker A: Quite the opposite. It was damaging their relationship and importantly, his son's own sense of worth. It was all tied to external validation.
[00:04:32] Speaker D: You know, that sounds exhausting for everyone involved. What changed?
[00:04:37] Speaker A: Covey had a big shift. He consciously moved from pressure to acceptance. He realized his key role wasn't polishing the image, but nurturing his son's actual character. Things like integrity, resilience, self worth, unconditional acceptance.
[00:04:52] Speaker D: That. That created the space for real change, presumably.
[00:04:54] Speaker A: Exactly. It created safety. And that allowed for genuine transformation, not just compliance.
[00:04:58] Speaker D: And there's the core lesson, isn't it? Personality, the charm, the surface stuff. It might impress initially, but character, that internal compass, the integrity, that's what builds trust.
[00:05:09] Speaker A: Lasting trust, that's the bedrock for real growth. Lasting growth. It starts when you shift the question from how do I look out there? To who am I intentionally becoming in here?
[00:05:20] Speaker D: Right. Unlearning those old scripts means focusing on internal mastery, not just external measurement.
[00:05:25] Speaker A: Precisely.
[00:05:26] Speaker D: Okay, so you start down this path, focusing on character, and then inevitably, you hit bumps, challenges, failures.
[00:05:34] Speaker A: Oh, absolutely. It's a part of the process. But the sources offer a really powerful way to reframe this. Challenges aren't detours. They're not just setbacks. They're the curriculum. They're actually invitations to grow. Required learning, if you will.
[00:05:48] Speaker D: I like that. An invitation to grow. So with that mindset, any obstacle becomes either a lesson teaching you something you needed to learn.
[00:05:55] Speaker A: Exactly. A lesson. Or a launchpad, something that propels you forward, maybe with more clarity or stronger resolve than before.
[00:06:02] Speaker D: The key insight here seems to be that the struggle itself isn't the main event. It's how you react to it.
[00:06:07] Speaker A: Bingo. There's that quote highlighted in the material life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Owning that 90%, that's where the transformation really lies.
[00:06:18] Speaker D: Okay, but let's get practical. A challenge hits, everything feels up in the air, uncertain. How do you actually control that 90%? How do you avoid just panicking?
[00:06:27] Speaker A: Right, that's where a structured approach helps. And the sources point us to the GRW model. It's a well known coaching tool, really.
[00:06:34] Speaker D: Robust for this GR O. W. Okay.
[00:06:37] Speaker A: Yeah. It gives you a framework to think through things when you're feeling stuck or reactive. It helps you establish a process, not just flail.
[00:06:44] Speaker D: Let's walk through it because this feels really actionable. GRO stands for goal reality, options and will. Right.
[00:06:51] Speaker A: That's the one. Goal reality options will.
[00:06:53] Speaker D: Okay, so imagine maybe you had a big setback at work, a project failed, you're feeling down, maybe confused.
How does JIRO help?
[00:07:01] Speaker A: Okay, first step G for goal. Before you even dissect the failure, step back, ask, what's the bigger picture? What do I ultimately want here? Not just get past this failure, but what's the long term aim for my career or my development that this situation impacts?
[00:07:17] Speaker D: Anchor yourself first to find the destination. Makes sense. What's next?
[00:07:22] Speaker A: Now you look at the situation, but objectively, non judgmentally. What actually happened? What parts are truly within my control right now? What parts aren't, what resources do I have or lack?
[00:07:33] Speaker D: So you're gathering facts, not just dwelling on feelings.
Reframing it into manageable pieces.
[00:07:38] Speaker A: Exactly. So for the failed project, okay, the project ended badly, but my relationships with colleagues X and Y are still strong. And I did learn, say, two new software skills during it.
[00:07:49] Speaker D: You're mapping the terrain, identifying assets, liabilities. Okay, yeah. That leads us to O for options.
[00:07:55] Speaker A: Right, O is for options. Now you brainstorm. What could I do? Think broadly here. Quantity over quality. Initially, what are all the possible paths forward? Even the slightly wild ones, like asking.
[00:08:05] Speaker D: If I had no limitations, what might I try?
Or what would a mentor suggest?
[00:08:11] Speaker A: Perfect prompts. You generate possibilities after you're anchored in your goal and clear on the reality. This makes the options much more relevant.
[00:08:18] Speaker D: I can see how that sequence helps. You're making choices aligned with your goal, not just reacting to the sting of failure.
[00:08:24] Speaker A: Absolutely. And finally, W is for will or sometimes called way forward.
This is commitment time based on the options. What specific step am I going to take now? When will I do it?
[00:08:35] Speaker D: Ah, so this is where you reclaim your power. You make a concrete plan and execute.
[00:08:40] Speaker A: Precisely Juroedelia turns that reactive. Oh no Moment into a proactive, structured response. It really can be a launchpad.
[00:08:48] Speaker D: That is super helpful. Clears up that process nicely. Okay, so speaking of structure for intentional living.
[00:08:54] Speaker A: Yes. Let's shift to something that helps maintain that intentionality more regularly. Day to day, Week to week.
[00:08:59] Speaker D: You mean the traffic light technique? I like this one. Simple name. Seems powerful. Borrowed from project reviews. Right, but for personal life.
[00:09:06] Speaker A: Exactly. It creates that rhythm. A non negotiable pause at life's intersections. If you like to reflect, maybe unlearn something and definitely refocus. It forces you to look at your.
[00:09:17] Speaker D: Current life script and decide if it needs some editing.
[00:09:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:20] Speaker D: Okay, let's break it down. First, the tough one. Red light. Sop.
Permission to let go of what's not working. But man, stopping old habits, even bad ones, is hard.
[00:09:30] Speaker A: It's incredibly hard. Often those patterns served a purpose once. Maybe as coping mechanisms. Stopping requires real honesty. Is it perfectionism holding you back? Is it constantly seeking validation online? Comparing yourself endlessly?
[00:09:44] Speaker D: Toxic habits that sabotage you?
[00:09:46] Speaker A: You have to acknowledge this part of the script is outdated. It doesn't serve the me I'm becoming.
[00:09:51] Speaker D: The source material nails this. You can't rewrite your story while clinging to the script you've outgrown. You literally have to hit the brakes on that old momentum.
[00:09:59] Speaker A: Then comes the pivot, the amber light. Continue. This isn't about stopping. It's a pause to acknowledge and reinforce what is working.
[00:10:06] Speaker D: Oh, we often skip that, don't we? So focused on fixing the problems, we forget to celebrate the wins, the consistency.
[00:10:12] Speaker A: Totally. Amber light is for reinforcement. What daily routines are supporting your energy? What boundaries are actually working?
Maybe saying no to extra commitments has brought peace. Honor that.
[00:10:23] Speaker D: So recognize the good stuff you're already doing. Not all change is radical reinvention. Sometimes it's just reinforcing what works.
[00:10:30] Speaker A: Smart reinforcement. Yeah. And then the exciting part. Green light start. The invitation to evolve.
What's one small brave aligned action?
[00:10:42] Speaker D: You can begin a new goal, a new habit, something that supports the next version of you.
[00:10:47] Speaker A: Green means go. But think iteration, not necessarily revolution. If red light helped you stop doomscrolling, maybe green light is starting a five minute walk outside instead. Or reading one page of that book you bought.
[00:10:58] Speaker D: Small steps, like the quote says. You don't have to see the whole road, just take the first courageous step.
[00:11:03] Speaker A: Exactly. This technique grounds those big aspirations into simple daily or weekly choices. Really practical.
[00:11:09] Speaker D: Okay. This whole journey unlearning, choosing, starting new things. It requires effort over time. Which brings us to resilience we often talk about resilience like it's just a trait. You either have it or you don't. But the material here defines it differently, right? As a skill.
[00:11:24] Speaker A: Yes, very much as a skill. You build like a muscle. It's about meeting hardship. Yes, but with courage and clarity. And it starts fundamentally with awareness.
[00:11:35] Speaker D: How so?
[00:11:35] Speaker A: Resilience begins when you can slow down enough to just observe your thoughts, your emotions, without immediately judging them or reacting. That pause gives you the space to choose your response.
[00:11:46] Speaker D: Choosing response. Overreaction.
[00:11:47] Speaker A: Yeah, got it.
[00:11:48] Speaker D: And it's not something you build alone in a cave, right?
[00:11:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:51] Speaker D: Sources emphasize connection.
[00:11:53] Speaker A: Oh, absolutely. This idea of the stoic, stiff upper lip. Resilience is challenged. Vulnerability, admitting weakness, sharing your story. That's presented as a strength. It invites connection, support, healing.
[00:12:04] Speaker D: So resilience grows in community. Support can be people.
[00:12:07] Speaker A: But also books, talks, even finding the right quotes sometimes. Anything that helps you maintain that intentional mindset.
[00:12:13] Speaker D: When things get tough, that focus on intentional mindset, it connects perfectly to that old Cherokee story, the two Wolves legend.
[00:12:20] Speaker A: Ah, yes.
Such a powerful metaphor for managing our inner state. The grandfather explaining to the child about the two wolves fighting inside us all.
[00:12:28] Speaker D: One wolf is all the negative stuff. Fear, anger, resentment, jealousy.
[00:12:34] Speaker A: And the other wolf embodies the positive. Peace, hope, joy, kindness, growth.
[00:12:39] Speaker D: And the crucial part is when the child asks, which wolf wins?
[00:12:42] Speaker A: And the grandfather replies, the one you feed.
Simple but profound. It sets up this whole coaching model of thinking above and below the line.
[00:12:51] Speaker D: Explain that below the line is feeding.
[00:12:53] Speaker A: The ox, the angry, fearful wolf. When you're operating below the line, you're caught in reactivity. Blame, excuses, defensiveness. You feel like a victim of circumstance. Control is lost down there.
[00:13:05] Speaker D: And decisions made from that place, usually.
[00:13:07] Speaker A: Not great, almost always regretted. The goal is to consciously shift yourself above the line. That's where you feed the wolf of peace and growth.
[00:13:14] Speaker D: Above the line is where what lives there?
[00:13:17] Speaker A: Intentional responses. Curiosity, learning, ownership, healing, responsibility. When you're triggered, the key question to ask yourself is, am I responding right now to hurt, or am I responding to heal?
[00:13:29] Speaker D: That's a powerful check. Okay, so how do we manage that shift? How do we stop ourselves from feeding the wrong wolf? Especially in the heat of the moment?
[00:13:37] Speaker A: That brings us to our final tool, the weight theory.
Think of it as your internal pause button, specifically designed for those moments when you feel triggered or maybe desperate for validation.
[00:13:48] Speaker D: Wait.
An acronym. Four questions to ask before reacting.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: Exactly four layers of pause. The first W is about checking your immediate state.
[00:13:57] Speaker D: Okay, what's the question?
[00:13:58] Speaker A: It asks who am I today?
Before jumping into a tricky conversation or firing off that email, check your internal dashboard. The sources suggest using hlt.
[00:14:08] Speaker D: Hlt, yeah.
[00:14:10] Speaker A: Am I hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? If the answer is yes to any of those, you're likely in a reactive state. Your judgment is probably impaired.
[00:14:18] Speaker D: Ah, so if I realize, wow, I'm actually exhausted, that's my cue to pause. Step back, don't react from below the line.
[00:14:25] Speaker A: Precisely delay the response. If you possibly can manage your state first.
[00:14:29] Speaker D: Okay, what's the A in weight?
[00:14:30] Speaker A: The A asks, am I acting on principle? This ties right back to character versus personality. Is my intended response coming from my core values, the person I want to be? Or is it just my ego flaring up, wanting to defend itself, staying anchored?
[00:14:45] Speaker D: Okay, that makes sense. Can I expect a covey? What about the I?
[00:14:48] Speaker A: The I asks, is this my issue to solve? Ooh, this is a big one for boundaries. We often rush in to fix things, give advice, rescue people when maybe they.
[00:14:58] Speaker D: Just needed us to listen. Or it's actually their problem to sort out.
[00:15:02] Speaker A: Exactly. This question helps you check yourself. Am I taking ownership of something that isn't mine? Am I trying to control someone else's emotions or journey?
[00:15:10] Speaker D: Wow. Okay, that's a powerful boundary setter right there. And finally, the T you said this one is kind of the immediate go to pause.
[00:15:17] Speaker A: It often is. The T asks, to what end am I speaking? This is the ultimate why am I talking right now?
Check. Where is this conversation heading? Is it constructive or is it spiraling into blame, negativity, regret?
[00:15:30] Speaker D: Am I trying to win or am I trying to connect? Am I trying to prove a point or solve a problem?
[00:15:35] Speaker A: Right. If you feel defensive, if you sense it's going off track, this tease question is your instant break.
It forces you to consider the outcome you want, not just the immediate urge to speak.
[00:15:48] Speaker D: And if you ask that tease question and realize, oh, oh, I'm about to say something just to lash out or win, yeah, what's the move then? How do you hold the line?
[00:15:55] Speaker A: You shift the energy. You use a curious above the line question to deflect the negativity and regain control of the conversation's direction.
[00:16:03] Speaker D: Like what? Give me an example.
[00:16:05] Speaker A: Something simple and open ended, like, help me understand what you mean by that, or what's your intention in bringing this up now? Or even what outcome are we aiming for with this discussion?
[00:16:15] Speaker D: It puts the brakes on the downward spiral and invites a more constructive response.
Shift it back above the line.
[00:16:22] Speaker A: Exactly. It stops the momentum and forces a reset, ensuring you stay in control of your response, not the trigger.
[00:16:28] Speaker D: Okay. Wow. We have covered a lot of ground today, from understanding those conditioned scripts, that.
[00:16:33] Speaker A: Programming trap, to really valuing character over just personality.
[00:16:38] Speaker D: Right. Then using the DRO model to navigate challenges, setting up that regular reflection with.
[00:16:43] Speaker A: A traffic light technique, building resilience not as a fixed trait, but a practice skill. Skill. Remembering the two wolves.
[00:16:50] Speaker D: And finally using that weight theory as a practical in the moment pause button to manage our reactions. It feels like a complete toolkit for moving from just reacting to life to intentionally living it.
[00:17:02] Speaker A: That's the goal. You hold the pen. These frameworks drawn from the source material are designed to make that process of unlearning and rewriting less daunting, more actionable, step by step.
[00:17:16] Speaker D: And it's not about huge overnight transformations, is it?
[00:17:19] Speaker A: Not at all. It's about those small, consistent, intentional choices you make every single day.
[00:17:24] Speaker D: So as we wrap up, let's come back to that core image, that Cherokee legend. It really leaves you with a powerful, lingering question, doesn't it?
[00:17:30] Speaker A: It does. Inside you, those two wolves are always present. The one representing anger, fear, stagnation, and the one representing hope, peace, growth.
[00:17:40] Speaker D: Which wolf are you feeding today?
[00:17:41] Speaker A: That's the question.
And if you want one simple, concrete action to take away from this deep dive, try the traffic light technique this week. Just five minutes.
[00:17:51] Speaker D: Stop. One thing that's outdated. Continue. One thing that's working. Start. One small, courageous new action.
[00:17:57] Speaker A: That simple rhythm. That's where the rewriting truly begins.
[00:18:02] Speaker C: You've just listened to another episode of the Other you from the Nettie Collection with Ben and Sarah. Thank you so much for your insights and for unpacking this chapter. This is Jeanette Dunlop, and I truly hope this week you use your launch pad towards authentic growth.
Remember, things are not being done to you. They are being done for you. So if today's conversation reminded you that your story is still yours to shape, we encourage you to take the first step.
Pick up the pen, reflect and rewrite the parts of your journey that no longer serves you.
Remember, you are not the draft of your past. You are the author of your future.
So keep exploring ways to create the other you. Be sure to subscribe. Share this episode with someone who needs it. Purchase my book Rewrite youe Story through the link below and join our growing community of storytellers within Neddy's Facebook group.
Until next week, keep writing and keep becoming.
[00:19:14] Speaker B: Skies above, guided by the blow of love.