Episode Transcript
[00:00:08] Speaker A: Shadows whisper secrets unknown Reflections lost in time Shown shifting light of what's to be Yearning for truth inside of me I have called it I'll allow it. Let it be.
Set the author free.
[00:00:35] Speaker B: We are all storytellers. Every day, with every choice, we add a new line to the narrative of our lives.
Welcome to Part two, the Transformation.
I am Jeanette Dunlop, author of Rewrite youe Story and my book of mantras, presenting another NETI collection, the Other U Podcast, where curiosity rediscovers the version of you that's been buried under roles and routines and expectations.
The other you that still dreams, still feels, and still believes in more.
Alongside your hosts, Ben Jenkins and Sarah Michaels, we'll talk about real change, mindset resets, and how to build a life that feels like yours again.
Each episode invites you to pause, reflect, and reconnect with practical tools for confidence, purpose, and emotional balance.
So take a breath, open your heart, and step into a conversation designed to remind you you are not bound by yesterday. You are free to create the other you.
[00:01:50] Speaker A: I have called it. I'll allow it. Let it be.
Set the author free.
I am authentic. I am growth. Set the author.
Set the author free. Set the author free. It's now up to me. Set the author free.
[00:02:11] Speaker C: Welcome to the deep dive. We take complex research and, well, boil it down into practical knowledge you can actually use.
Today, we're diving into building resilience, specifically in your relationships. We're merging cognitive behavioral therapy, CBT principles with the really vital skill of setting boundaries.
[00:02:31] Speaker D: Exactly. It's like combining psychological structure with, let's say, emotional self defense.
A lot of this builds on Aaron T. Beck's work. He was pioneering in applying CBT ideas like cognitive distortions, problem thinking to couples.
[00:02:45] Speaker C: Right, those mental shortcuts that trip us up.
[00:02:48] Speaker D: Precisely. So our mission today is pretty clear. Give you a shortcut, some actionable steps based on this thinking to improve communication, find more emotional freedom, and crucially, through a no fault, no blame approach.
[00:03:00] Speaker C: That no fault, no blame part is key, isn't it? We're not assigning blame for things that went wrong.
[00:03:05] Speaker D: Not at all. It's about understanding the process. How did things get off track? Okay, so let's jump into the core.
[00:03:10] Speaker C: Problem here, which isn't always what people think it is.
[00:03:12] Speaker D: Right. It's often not about a lack of love. The sources we looked at are really clear on this. Love is, you know, a powerful motivator, a catalyst, sure, but it doesn't automatically create the substance of the relationship. That takes skills, shared values, commitment, cooperation, Acceptance. Things you build.
[00:03:32] Speaker C: It's like people can fix a leaky faucet. A technical problem.
[00:03:35] Speaker D: Yeah, they can tackle that. But when the emotional connection starts dripping away, they often lack the tools to figure out why.
[00:03:43] Speaker C: And sometimes they don't even realize their own thinking is the problem. That's the cognitive distortion idea. Right before the case study. Maybe just quickly define that again in this context.
[00:03:52] Speaker D: Yeah. Simply put, they're unhelpful mental filters or shortcuts. In relationships, they often show up as assumptions, like mind reading.
[00:04:00] Speaker C: I know exactly why they're doing that.
[00:04:02] Speaker D: Exactly. Or catastrophizing. If they forget my birthday, it means they don't love me and we're doomed.
We use these shortcuts to interpret things, and honestly, they almost always lead us down the wrong path.
[00:04:13] Speaker C: Which is a perfect lead in to Sean and Sabrina. This case study really highlights it.
[00:04:18] Speaker D: It does. So they wanted to spend more time together. Good intention.
Sabrina, stressed from work, decides to go shopping for some headspace.
[00:04:26] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:04:27] Speaker D: Shawn wanting connection, wanting to feel appreciated, goes with her again. Seems positive, right?
[00:04:32] Speaker C: On the surface, yes. But the interpretation, that's where it went wrong.
[00:04:37] Speaker D: Totally poisonous. Sabrina wanted autonomy, that mental space, but she didn't actually say, hey, I kind of need to do this part alone.
[00:04:45] Speaker C: So she's quiet, maybe a bit withdrawn.
[00:04:47] Speaker D: Right. And Sean sees this. His cognitive distortion immediately kicks in. She's quiet. She must not be happy I'm here. If she loved me, she'd be engaged. So he gets quiet.
[00:04:57] Speaker C: Oh, the silent treatment. Spiral.
[00:04:59] Speaker D: You got it. And when she stays quiet, he eventually snaps. What's wrong? You wanted to spend time together, and.
[00:05:05] Speaker C: Boom, it's not about shopping anymore. It's about feeling rejected, misunderstood. This huge pain from misinterpretation.
[00:05:11] Speaker D: Exactly. The sources detail, like six specific misunderstandings spiraling there.
Sabrina didn't communicate her need for space. Shawn didn't check in on her feelings. He just assumed.
[00:05:22] Speaker C: And she misinterpreted his wanting to be there as him grouting her.
[00:05:26] Speaker D: And he misinterpreted her need for quiet as a lack of love.
It just builds and builds.
[00:05:31] Speaker C: This is where CBT comes in, right? To interrupt that destructive cycle.
[00:05:34] Speaker D: Yes. The failure wasn't their intentions. It was the faulty thinking, the distorted interpretations, and the poor communication that followed.
CBT helps couples pause. Evaluate those thoughts, like Shawn's catastrophizing about rejection and correct the assumptions. Focus on what actually happened, not the story they told themselves about it.
[00:05:53] Speaker C: And crucially, it brings us back to no fault, no blame. Your feelings are valid. Shawn felt Hurt. Sabrina felt overwhelmed, of course. But accepting that the interpretation, the mind reading part, was likely flawed. That's the shift. Not that your partner is bad or wrong.
[00:06:08] Speaker D: Precisely. It's about evaluating the process, not assigning blame. And that shift, moving away from finger pointing leads us nicely into the four pillars of this cognitive behavioral approach to partnership.
[00:06:19] Speaker C: Okay. These pillars help you become the partner you want to be. Right. Moving past those maybe unrealistic expectations, like demanding unconditional love. 24. 7.
[00:06:28] Speaker D: Exactly. Moving away from blame.
So pillar one is all about looking inward. Recognize your values.
What do you really value in a relationship? Autonomy, Connection, Appreciation, Security.
Your expectations usually reflect these core values. But here's the key insight.
You only control your actions. You can act in ways consistent with your values. You can't force your partner's behavior to match them.
[00:06:53] Speaker C: That's simple, but, yeah, profound. It puts the focus back on you.
[00:06:57] Speaker D: It does. And pillar two balances that perfectly. Recognize your partner's values. This is about empathy, real empathy.
[00:07:04] Speaker C: So going beyond just hearing the complaint.
[00:07:06] Speaker D: Way beyond. Listen for the deeper, usually positive value underneath their hurt. When Sabrina felt encroached upon, the value was maybe autonomy or respect for her need for space.
[00:07:15] Speaker C: Ah, so Shawn could try to see her need for respect rather than just feeling rejected himself.
[00:07:19] Speaker D: Exactly. Seeing that deeper need, that positive value, builds trust. It makes you a confidant, not an adversary.
[00:07:25] Speaker C: Okay, that makes sense if we know our values and we're trying to understand our partners values. Pillar three must be about bridging that gap.
[00:07:34] Speaker D: You got it. Foster a spirit of collaboration. And this really comes down to sharpening communication.
Replacing that hostile silence or those snap judgments with, well, better scripts.
[00:07:47] Speaker C: Like actual things to say.
[00:07:49] Speaker D: Yeah, specific ways to phrase things. Respectful assertiveness is key. So instead of Sean snapping, he could try something like, hey, I noticed you've been quiet and seem a bit preoccupied. I'm feeling curious and a little concerned, actually. I know you've had a tough week.
[00:08:03] Speaker C: Wow. Okay. Notice he names his feeling Concern, not an accusation.
[00:08:07] Speaker D: Right. And then Sabrina's response needs to validate his feeling while still stating her need. This makes her the partner, not the opponent. So she could say maybe something like, I can see how my quietness might make you feel rejected. That makes sense. Honestly, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed from work right now, and I just need maybe 20 minutes of mental quiet before I can really focus on shopping with you. I do appreciate you coming.
[00:08:30] Speaker C: That completely changes the energy. It's compassionate and clear.
[00:08:34] Speaker D: It really does.
And that ability to communicate clearly leads straight into the Fourth pillar, look for mutually satisfying alternatives. There's a solid framework for this cooperative problem solving.
[00:08:47] Speaker C: Okay, what are the steps?
[00:08:48] Speaker D: Four basic steps. One, define what you both actually want. What are the underlying needs here? Connection Autonomy.
[00:08:55] Speaker C: Right.
[00:08:55] Speaker D: Two, determine the specifics of your differences. Where's the actual friction point? Like doing the activity together versus needing some solo focus within the shared time.
[00:09:04] Speaker C: Pinpoint the clash.
[00:09:05] Speaker D: Exactly. Three, brainstorm solutions. Get creative. Maybe Sean reads a book in the cafe while Sabrina browses for 30 minutes. Maybe they split the shopping list. Maybe they just agree to reconnect properly after the shopping.
[00:09:18] Speaker C: Lots of options if you look for them.
[00:09:19] Speaker D: And four, select the solution that best satisfies both sets of underlying values or needs. It's about finding the win win.
[00:09:26] Speaker C: The whole goal here with CBT and relationships seems to be eliminating that blame game. Focus on your own actions, make them positive, make them intentional to strengthen the.
[00:09:36] Speaker D: Bond that's the core of it. That no fault, no blame attitude in practice.
[00:09:40] Speaker C: Okay, so CBT helps us manage the internal dynamics, fix communication inside the relationship. But what about pressures from outside? Or even the pressure we put on ourselves? How to protect this improved connection?
[00:09:54] Speaker D: Ah, great question.
That is precisely where boundaries come in. If CBT is the internal operating system.
[00:10:01] Speaker C: For the relationship, then boundaries are the firewall.
[00:10:04] Speaker D: Perfect analogy. Boundaries are basically healthy limits. They're necessary for our psychological health, our well being.
And it's kind of paradoxical, but setting them often reduces overwhelm and actually leads to closer, more honest relationships, not distant ones.
[00:10:19] Speaker C: Interesting. Can we break down the types? What kind of boundaries are we talking about?
[00:10:22] Speaker D: Sure. We can think about three main categories. First, physical boundaries. This is about your space, your body. Things like needing physical distance sometimes, or saying no to unwanted touch, even hugs if you're not feeling it.
[00:10:35] Speaker C: Right. Physical space.
[00:10:36] Speaker D: Then there are emotional or mental boundaries. This is about what topics you're willing to engage with.
[00:10:42] Speaker C: Maybe refusing to participate in gossip or limiting discussions about certain sensitive subjects like your finances or your body image. And it's also about prioritizing your own emotional needs.
[00:10:51] Speaker D: Makes sense. And the third time?
[00:10:54] Speaker C: Boundaries. This is huge in our always on culture. It could mean protecting your dinner hour for family. No work calls, setting aside specific time for self care, exercise or a personal favorite. Putting your phone on do not disturb until say 8am to protect your morning.
[00:11:13] Speaker D: Oh, I like that one. Yeah, but setting these, that's where it gets tough, right? It brings up so much guilt sometimes. Fear of rejection.
[00:11:19] Speaker C: Absolutely. Especially if you're changing a dynamic where someone else frankly benefited from you not having boundaries. Yeah, there's a quote. It's really powerful and worth remembering. The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who are benefiting from you having none.
[00:11:32] Speaker D: Wow. Okay. Let that sink in. Recognizing the guilt might be serving their comfort, not your health.
That's freeing. It really is. It helps you push through that discomfort.
[00:11:43] Speaker C: So if we know we need a boundary, what are the steps to actually put it in place?
[00:11:46] Speaker D: The sources suggest a pretty clear four step process.
First, develop, reflect. What do you actually need? What makes you feel best, less resentful, more energized? Get specific. Maybe it is that 8:00am Phone boundary.
[00:12:03] Speaker C: Okay, the Gareth wants.
[00:12:04] Speaker D: Second, have a conversation. If the boundary involves someone else, you need to communicate it clearly and calmly. Not aggressively, but firmly. You might say, hey, I care about you, but I'm not comfortable discussing my diet anymore. It's just not helpful for me right now.
[00:12:19] Speaker C: Clear and direct. What's third?
[00:12:20] Speaker D: Third is implement. Put it into practice. Think about the specifics. What are the limits? Are there any potential exceptions you're okay with? If Your boundary is 30 minutes of exercise daily, Maybe have a backup plan, like a 10 minute walk for super busy days. It builds consistency without rigidity.
[00:12:38] Speaker C: Right. So it's sustainable.
[00:12:39] Speaker D: Which leads to step four.
Sustain.
This is often the hardest part. People might test your boundaries. You have to remain firm but kind.
Calmly reiterate your need and crucially, keep reminding yourself why you set this boundary in the first place. What value is it protecting that?
[00:12:58] Speaker C: Why is your anchor when it gets tough? And it often gets tough. Because the pushback isn't just internal guilt, it's external resistance.
[00:13:05] Speaker D: Right, Exactly. We need boundaries often because we encounter people who, well, resist them. They might use guilt, manipulation, or just ignore them.
This is where awareness is key. Identifying patterns that drain you. Because if you don't define your own limits, you risk just becoming who others want you to be.
[00:13:23] Speaker C: Which means we need to talk about identifying maybe toxic patterns or personalities.
[00:13:28] Speaker D: Yes, recognizing these is crucial for knowing when and why firm boundaries are non negotiable.
We found six common patterns in the materials. It's worth kind of holding these up and seeing if any resonate in your life, maybe even in yourself sometime.
[00:13:40] Speaker C: Okay, let's hear them. Which one feels like the biggest challenge for boundaries?
[00:13:44] Speaker D: Ooh, good question.
I think maybe the first one, the energy drainer. This is the person who's constantly negative, always needs sympathy, demands your attention, but.
[00:13:55] Speaker C: Never seems to take advice or try solutions.
[00:13:57] Speaker D: Exactly. They just want you to absorb their negativity. They resist that collaborative Problem solving we talked about with cbt, holding a boundary with them is exhausting because their whole dynamic is about pulling you in.
[00:14:09] Speaker C: Yeah, I can see that. What's next?
[00:14:11] Speaker D: Number two is tricky. The face complimenter.
Polite. Seems supportive, maybe even flattering, but it feels insincere. Right. Often the compliments are a form of manipulation. Smoothing the way so they can ask for something later or get you to lower your guard. Hard to set boundaries because they seem so nice initially. Okay. Number three, the pessimist.
Always finding the cloud in every silver lining. You bring an idea, they shoot it down. You express hope. They counter with problems. They just stifle energy and initiative.
And for the criticizer, quick to judge. Always pointing out flaws in others and situations in you. It's often a projection of their own insecurities, but it wears you down.
[00:14:52] Speaker C: Definitely.
[00:14:53] Speaker D: Number five, the manipulator. This is the master of twisting things. Situations, your emotions, guilt trips or all to serve their own interests. They make you doubt yourself.
[00:15:03] Speaker C: That sounds difficult to navigate. And the last one.
[00:15:06] Speaker D: Number six, the victim.
Always deflecting responsibility. Nothing is ever their fault. They resist solutions because deep down they thrive on the sympathy and attention they get from being helpless. They trap you in a rescuer role.
[00:15:22] Speaker C: Identifying these patterns feels like the first step to protecting your energy.
Do the sources give any practical steps for handling conflict with these types? Maybe at work or in tougher situations?
[00:15:33] Speaker D: Yes, there's a useful five step approach, especially for dealing with difficult interactions. When you can't just walk away easily. Think aggressive types are people who just shut down.
[00:15:41] Speaker C: Okay, what are they?
[00:15:41] Speaker D: First, protect. Set the ground rules immediately. If someone's yelling, you say I want to help, but I can only talk. When we're both calm, you protect your space.
[00:15:50] Speaker C: Set the terms of engagement exactly.
[00:15:52] Speaker D: Second, connect briefly. Acknowledge their perspective. Even if you disagree, ask what's going on. It helps them feel heard, which can de escalate things. Doesn't mean you agree, just that you hear them.
Third, reflect briefly. Summarize the core issue as you understand it. Okay, so the main problem seems to be X. Get their confirmation. Ensures you're both talking about the same.
[00:16:16] Speaker C: Thing, aligned on the facts at least.
[00:16:18] Speaker D: Fourth, direct State clearly and concisely what you will do or what the next step is. I will look into this and get back to you by tomorrow. Or the policy on this is clear.
[00:16:28] Speaker C: Be firm, be brief, no ambiguity.
[00:16:31] Speaker D: And the last one, Eject if the conversation remains unproductive. If they keep pushing boundaries or draining you, find a way to politely end the interaction or leave the situation. I need to step away now or we'll have to revisit this later. You protect your energy by disengaging.
[00:16:46] Speaker C: That's a really practical toolkit. Protect, connect, reflect, direct eject. Okay, now you mentioned internal burdens earlier. To get to that real emotional freedom, we need to look inside too, right?
[00:16:56] Speaker D: Absolutely. That brings us to this really insightful model for identifying what's weighing us down internally. The T O N N of problems. Method.
[00:17:04] Speaker C: Ton T N N. Okay, intriguing acronym. Let's break it down. What's the first T stand for?
[00:17:12] Speaker D: T's for trauma. Now this sounds big and it can be, but it refers to past wounds, big or small, that still trigger reactions in the present.
[00:17:20] Speaker C: How does trauma connect to setting, say, a simple boundary about weekend plans?
[00:17:25] Speaker D: Often, past hurts involved boundary violations. Someone disrespecting your needs, your space, your safety. So setting a boundary now, even a small one, can feel incredibly difficult because it touches that old wound. But it's also how you heal. It's the act of reclaiming power, saying no more. It's fundamentally about safety.
[00:17:42] Speaker C: Wow. Okay. That reframes boundary setting as potentially quite profound. What's the O?
[00:17:47] Speaker D: O is for obligation. These are the shoulds, the musts, the I owe it to them. Beliefs we've often inherited or absorbed, driven by guilt, loyalty, family scripts.
[00:17:55] Speaker C: The things we do on autopilot because we feel we have to.
[00:17:58] Speaker D: Exactly. Boundaries are the release valve. Here they help you shift from acting out of guilt ridden obligation to acting from intentional choice.
You choose to help or you choose not to, based on your values and capacity, not just because you feel you should.
[00:18:11] Speaker C: From burden to choice. I like that.
[00:18:13] Speaker D: Okay, first N. The first N is for nuisance. This is the everyday stuff. The mental clutter. The small stressors, petty arguments, the endless to do list. That low grade hum of stuff that drains your energy.
[00:18:26] Speaker C: The mental static.
[00:18:27] Speaker D: Perfect description. Boundaries here are really about energy management.
Saying no to extra tasks, delegating, deciding what not to worry about. Today, it's clearing the clutter to focus on what matters. Eliminating those thousand tiny paper cuts.
[00:18:40] Speaker C: Got it. And the final N?
[00:18:42] Speaker D: The final N is for noise. And this one's internal. It's the inner critic. The perfectionism. The negative self talk. The what ifs.
[00:18:49] Speaker C: Ah, the internal chatter.
[00:18:51] Speaker D: Exactly. Dealing with this requires setting internal boundaries. Choosing which thoughts you engage with, which ones you acknowledge and let pass.
Challenging that inner critic. It's about managing your own mindscape.
[00:19:01] Speaker C: So, trauma, obligation, nuisance, noise. Ton.
How do we use this model? Actively.
[00:19:08] Speaker D: The steps are straightforward. First, identify which layer or layers are contributing to your feeling of being weighed down? Second, release the burden. This might involve specific boundary setting, journaling, forgiveness, work therapy. Third, reframe the narrative. Consciously shift obligation to choice. See trauma through a lens of resilience, noise as something you can manage. And fourth, repeat. This isn't a one time fix. It's ongoing awareness.
[00:19:35] Speaker C: So ton identifies the weight and boundaries.
[00:19:38] Speaker D: Are how you choose to put it down.
[00:19:39] Speaker C: That pulls everything together nicely. Okay, let's bring this deep dive home. Healthy relationships, it seems, that rely on that shared understanding, the clear communication. That's the CBT piece, right?
[00:19:49] Speaker D: The skills and the structure.
[00:19:50] Speaker C: And then emotional freedom, protecting your own peace that comes from knowing how and when to set boundaries and dealing with that internal ton of problems.
[00:19:58] Speaker D: Exactly. And it's crucial to remember that powerful reframe boundaries aren't walls to keep people out. They're actually bridges to healthier, more respectful interactions. This whole process, CBT and boundaries, it's about acceptance, adjustment, taking responsibility for your part.
Not about blame or shame.
[00:20:16] Speaker C: Finding clarity and freedom instead.
Okay, before we wrap up, let's give you, our listener, something really tangible, A symbolic action you can do right now. Let's try the letting go handshake exercise.
[00:20:28] Speaker D: Okay, wherever you are, just stretch one arm out in front of you.
[00:20:31] Speaker C: Now make a tight fist, palm facing down. Really clench it.
[00:20:35] Speaker D: Good. Now think of one specific nuisance from the TMNN model. Maybe a small recurring annoyance or one obligation that's felt heavy this week. Zero in on that specific burden.
[00:20:45] Speaker C: Got it. Now channel that feeling, that weight right into the center of your fist. Imagine it trapped there, held tight by your fingers.
Feel the tension.
[00:20:54] Speaker D: Visualize that specific stressor contained in your hand. Hold it for just a second more.
[00:20:58] Speaker C: Okay, now quickly, suddenly open your hand wide. Stretch your fingers and thumb out as far as they can go. Feel that physical release, that opening, that.
[00:21:06] Speaker D: Physical action is you consciously choosing to release that specific burden. Let it go.
[00:21:13] Speaker C: Practice that simple symbolic release.
Because so much of this work towards freedom involves intentional letting go. Maybe forgiveness of others, maybe forgiveness of yourself to truly release that weight.
[00:21:24] Speaker D: That's the ongoing work. That's the path to emotional freedom you get to explore. Now.
[00:21:33] Speaker B: You'Ve just listened to another episode of the Other your with Ben and Sarah. Thank you for your insights and for sharing this chapter. I am Jeanette Dunlop and I truly hope this week is your week for curiosity, vision and choice to set the author free.
So if this episode spoke to you, share it with someone rewriting their own story.
Subscribe to the Other your and follow for more transformative conversations.
Join our community on Nettie's Facebook page and hashtag rewriteyourstories and also tag myself Enette Dunlop to share your reflections.
Until next week, keep writing and keep.
[00:22:17] Speaker A: Becoming I am authentic I am Grove Set the author free Bring me forward to the light I see Step by step with curiosity Embracing the change inside of me Inspired for where this will lead me I have called it, I'll allow it Let it be Set the author free I am authentic I am growth Set the author free Set the author free Set the author free it's now up to me Set the author free.
