Episode Transcript
[00:00:09] Speaker A: Shadows whisper secrets unknown Reflections lost and time shown Shifting light of what's to be Yearning for truth inside of me I have called it, I'll allow it Let it be Set the author free.
[00:00:37] Speaker B: We are all storytellers. Every day, with every choice, we add a new line to the narrative of our lives.
Welcome to part two, the Transformation.
I am Jeanette Dunlop, author of Rewrite youe Story and my book of mantras, presenting another NETI collection, the Other, your podcast, where curiosity rediscovers the version of you that's been buried under roll routines and expectations.
The Other you that still dreams, still feels and still believes in more.
Alongside your hosts, Ben Jenkins and Sarah Michaels, we'll talk about real change, mindset resets, and how to build a life that feels like yours again.
Each episode invites you to pause, reflect, and reconnect with practical tools for confidence, purpose and emotional balance.
So take a breath, open your heart, and step into a conversation designed to remind you you are not bound by yesterday. You are free to create.
The Other.
[00:01:51] Speaker A: I have called it. I'll allow it. Let it be.
Set the author free.
I am authent.
Set the author free.
Set the author free. Set the author free. It's now up to me. Set the author free.
[00:02:14] Speaker C: The world breaks everyone. And afterward, some are strong in the broken places.
That's Ernest Hemingway. And it really sets the stage perfectly for our deep dive today, doesn't it? We're talking about resilience.
[00:02:26] Speaker D: Absolutely. It's something everyone needs, consciously or not.
[00:02:30] Speaker C: And our goal here isn't just about, you know, bouncing back when things go wrong. That feels a bit basic now.
[00:02:36] Speaker D: Right. Recovery is one thing we want to dig into.
[00:02:39] Speaker C: How those broken places actually become stronger. How do we genuinely bounce forward? How is resilience actually built?
[00:02:47] Speaker D: Okay, so let's ground ourselves first. Looking at the material, the core idea, the definition we're working with is that resilience is your ability to adapt, to adapt to significant change and really approach tough stuff, negative events, stress, big challenges, as constructively as you possibly can.
[00:03:06] Speaker C: Constructively.
[00:03:07] Speaker D: And here's a crucial point right off the bat. This isn't some fixed talent you're either born with or you're not. That's a myth.
[00:03:12] Speaker C: Ah, good. So it's learnable.
[00:03:14] Speaker D: Exactly. It's a capacity everyone has the potential to develop and often maybe counter intuitively. It's forged through experiencing difficult things. It gets built in the process, its actual function, you know, practically. It's about reducing how much disruption a stressor causes. Yeah. And importantly, shortening that recovery. Time getting you back on your feet faster.
[00:03:35] Speaker C: Okay, so if it's a skill or a set of skills, what does a resilient person look like? What are the characteristics? Because the research suggests they aren't superhuman.
[00:03:45] Speaker D: Not at all. Just maybe more practice habits.
[00:03:48] Speaker C: Yeah, and what really jumped out at me was the mindset piece. They consistently see themselves as survivors. They don't get stuck in that victim narrative.
[00:03:56] Speaker D: That's a fundamental shift. Yeah.
[00:03:57] Speaker C: And they seem to have this core belief that they have some agency, you know, control over the outcome, even if they couldn't control the event itself. Plus high emotional intelligence, good communication skills. That came up a lot.
[00:04:10] Speaker D: Right. And those skills tied directly into why resilience isn't static. It can fluctuate, even day to day, throughout your life. It really depends on this dynamic balance between.
Well, between risk factors and protective factors.
[00:04:24] Speaker C: Okay, hang on. I need to pause there because something feels a bit contradictory.
[00:04:27] Speaker D: Go on.
[00:04:28] Speaker C: You said resilient people believe that control outcomes, but also that a key trait is being skilled communicators who can ask for help. Doesn't asking for help imply you don't have control? Isn't resilience meant to be about sort of toughing it out alone? Self reliance?
[00:04:44] Speaker D: Ah, that's a really common misconception, but a vital point. If you frame resilience purely as self reliance, you miss a huge piece of the puzzle. The relational aspect.
[00:04:54] Speaker C: Relational?
[00:04:54] Speaker D: Yes. When we talk about those protective factors, the things that boost resilience, some of the most powerful ones aren't internal things like gr, they're external. Strong social networks, feeling connected to a community.
[00:05:06] Speaker C: Okay, I see.
[00:05:07] Speaker D: Risk factors, on the other hand, like poor self esteem or feeling isolated, they tip the scales the other way. So when a resilient person communicates effectively and asks for help, they're not admitting defeat. They're actively using a key protective factor.
[00:05:20] Speaker C: Ah, so asking for help is an act of resilience.
[00:05:23] Speaker D: Precisely. It's leveraging your connections to counterbalance internal risks, like maybe shame or feeling overwhelmed. You're often resilient because you're connected, not in spite of it.
[00:05:34] Speaker C: That reframes it completely.
[00:05:35] Speaker D: Yeah, and this whole balance is constantly influenced by other things, too. Your health, your sense of purpose, your past experiences, your life history. But the main takeaway is you can actively strengthen those protective factors. Build self worth, deepen connections. And doing that makes you fundamentally less vulnerable when stress inevitably hits.
[00:05:53] Speaker C: So if we can actively build this, let's talk about mental health.
Why put energy into building resilience? If you feel, you know, Generally. Okay, right now?
[00:06:02] Speaker D: Well, think of it like proactive mental hygiene. Building resilience acts as a really powerful buffer. It can help protect against developing serious mental health issues like depression, anxiety, PTSD later on.
[00:06:14] Speaker C: So it's preventative?
[00:06:15] Speaker D: In a way, yes. Doesn't stop bad things from happening, obviously, but it offsets some major risk factors linked to mental illness. Things like dealing with trauma or significant socioeconomic disadvantage.
It gives you better tools to navigate those things.
[00:06:30] Speaker C: How does it do that?
[00:06:31] Speaker D: Practically, the sources point to enhance cognitive restructuring abilities.
Basically, a resilient mindset helps you challenge negative thought patterns more effectively. You learn to see setbacks as temporary and specific. This is tough right now, rather than permanent and pervasive. I'm a failure. Everything is ruined.
[00:06:50] Speaker C: Right? That internal story again.
[00:06:51] Speaker D: Exactly. And for people already managing a mental illness illness, this is crucial. Resilience helps build the confidence needed to manage the illness, stick with recovery. Even when things feel really tough or they face setbacks, that's huge.
[00:07:04] Speaker C: So it's not just coping day to day, it's actually building structural protection for your mind?
[00:07:09] Speaker D: You could say that. Yeah.
[00:07:10] Speaker C: But, okay, when a big event does hit, how do you make that leap from just feeling the pain, which is necessary, to actually using it for growth? Sometimes that gap feels, well, impossible.
[00:07:24] Speaker D: It definitely can feel that way. And that's where having a structured process can really help. It kind of forces the growth rather than just letting you settle back into the old baseline. This brings us to the Resilie formula presented in the sources.
[00:07:38] Speaker C: R E S I L I E. Okay.
[00:07:40] Speaker D: It's a framework designed specifically for growth through adversity. The whole point is to ensure you don't just recover. You actually expand your capacity. You bounce forward.
[00:07:50] Speaker C: What's interesting is where it starts. The first step seems to demand real vulnerability. It's not about toughing it out or skipping the messy feelings.
[00:07:57] Speaker D: Absolutely not. The process requires you to face what the sources vividly call Pandora's box.
[00:08:02] Speaker C: Pandora's box.
[00:08:03] Speaker D: Once you really open that box, once you acknowledge the full impact, the full reality of the challenge, well, you can't just stuff it back in. You have to commit to working through it constructively.
[00:08:12] Speaker C: So what's the first step?
[00:08:14] Speaker D: R. Recognize the impact.
Feel it. This means you have to pause. You have to actually acknowledge the emotional toll. What was lost, what really changed. Resilience paradoxically starts with validating the hurt. Honesty, not suppression. No immediate intellectualizing. Just feel it.
[00:08:31] Speaker C: Okay. Feel it first. Then what?
[00:08:34] Speaker D: E E.
Evaluate the lessons. Learn from it. So after you've allowed yourself to feel the raw emotion. Then you shift to insight. Ask yourself, what did this experience actually teach me? What hidden strengths did I maybe find? What did I learn about my limits? Or even better, my potential?
[00:08:51] Speaker C: Turning pain into insight.
[00:08:52] Speaker D: Yes. And then comes a step that's arguably the most critical. S shift the story. Reframe it. We touched on this. Resilience is so deeply tied to the.
[00:09:00] Speaker C: Meaning we give events, the narrative we create.
[00:09:02] Speaker D: Precisely. If you lose your job and the story you tell yourself is, I failed, this proves I'm not good enough. Well, yeah. That narrative becomes your reality. It shapes future actions or inaction.
[00:09:12] Speaker C: But how do you reframe without just pretending? Like putting a fake positive spin on something genuinely awful. Can you give an example of that shift?
[00:09:19] Speaker D: Great question. Let's stick with the job loss example. A non resilience story, as we said, is, I got fired. I'm useless, My career is over.
It encodes the event as a permanent reflection of your worth.
[00:09:32] Speaker C: Right.
[00:09:33] Speaker D: The resilient shift acknowledges the pain.
Losing my job really hurts and it's scary. You don't deny that. But then you use empowering language to reframe the meaning or the outcome.
This setback is forcing me to get clear on what I actually want in the career. Or okay, this situation is tough, but it's shaping me. It's not stopping me.
[00:09:54] Speaker C: Ah, okay. You're not changing the facts of the event, but you're changing its role in your life story.
[00:09:59] Speaker D: You got it? You consciously choose to encode the strength gained or the lesson learned. Even from a negative event.
You reclaim the pen, so to speak.
[00:10:07] Speaker C: That's powerful. And reclaiming agency leads us to the next step. Right?
[00:10:11] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:10:11] Speaker C: Because feeling stuck is paralyzing.
[00:10:13] Speaker D: Exactly. Which brings us to I. Initiate action. Do something small. This is key. When you feel overwhelmed. Just take one small, concrete, forward moving step. Make one phone call. Write one paragraph of that proposal. Send that one email you've been avoiding. Research, one potential opportunity. Anything that tiny. Action breaks the inertia. It proves yourself. Okay, I can still move. It rebuilds self trust, literally, one micro step at a time.
[00:10:38] Speaker C: Action restores belief. I like that. Okay, next.
[00:10:42] Speaker D: L l lean on support.
Don't go it alone. We'll keep coming back to this. Resilience is relational. It means actively reaching out your community. A mentor, friends, family, therapist, whoever's in your network.
[00:10:57] Speaker C: So it's okay to admit you can't carry it all?
[00:10:59] Speaker D: It's more than okay. It's essential. We're not designed to process complex emotional loads in isolation. Find people can hold space for you, offer perspective, maybe even just remind you of your strengths when you've forgotten them.
[00:11:09] Speaker C: Makes sense. Then there's another I.
[00:11:11] Speaker D: Yes. The second I integrate the growth, make it part of your story. This is where the bounce forward really happens.
You consciously reflect on how you've changed because of the experience.
What new strengths emerged, what did you learn that you now carry with you? The loss or the pain isn't erased, but it's now woven into a larger, richer narrative of your capacity in your journey.
[00:11:33] Speaker C: So it becomes part of who you are, but in a strengthening way.
[00:11:37] Speaker D: Correct. And finally empower others. Give it meaning.
[00:11:40] Speaker C: Right. Ultimately, for the growth to fully integrate, it needs to move beyond just you contribution, sharing your story, maybe mentoring someone, facing something similar, or even just showing up differently in the world with more compassion because of what you went through. That transforms the struggle. It gives it a larger purpose. Your resilience can become someone else's hope.
[00:12:00] Speaker D: Wow. That's a comprehensive process. R E S I L I E Recognize, evaluate, shift, initiate, lean, integrate, empower.
[00:12:08] Speaker C: It covers the whole arc from impact to growth and contribution. Now let's flip this for a second. What happens if we don't do this?
What's the danger of say, emotional stagnation? The sources warn about this, right? When we don't process disappointment or pain.
[00:12:23] Speaker D: Yeah, that's the dark side. Unprocessed pain, disappointment, failure. It doesn't just disappear. It tends to quietly curl into long term self doubt. Limiting beliefs, maybe avoidance patterns.
[00:12:36] Speaker C: How does that erode self trust?
[00:12:38] Speaker D: Well, think about it. Every time you avoid a challenge because you're afraid of feeling that unprocessed pain again, you're essentially sending yourself a message. You can't handle this. Over time, that voice gets louder. That avoidance loop chips away at your belief in your own capabilities.
[00:12:53] Speaker C: So stagnation isn't passive, it's actively undermining you.
[00:12:56] Speaker D: Exactly. But the good news is there are controllable attitudes and factors we can cultivate to counteract this. To stay above the line, so to speak.
[00:13:05] Speaker C: Like what? What mindsets help?
[00:13:06] Speaker D: One huge one is optimism and positive thinking.
[00:13:09] Speaker C: Okay, but let's be real. When things are genuinely tough, doesn't just think positive, feel, I don't know, cheap, even dismissive.
How do we do that authentically without falling into toxic positivity?
[00:13:21] Speaker D: That's a crucial distinction. You're right. Toxic positivity ignores or denies the negative reality. Yeah, it skips that first recognize the impact step.
[00:13:29] Speaker C: Right. Just be happy when you've lost your job.
[00:13:32] Speaker D: Exactly. True resilient optimism isn't about pretending things aren't hard. It's about acknowledging the difficulty, feeling the feelings, and still believing in your capacity to influence the outcome eventually. It's maintaining an open, forward looking mindset after processing the reality. And interestingly, the research suggests genuine optimism doesn't just boost psychological resilience, it can actually improve physical resilience, possibly by boosting immunity.
[00:13:56] Speaker C: Okay, so it's optimism grounded in reality. What else?
[00:13:59] Speaker D: Adopting a growth mindset. This is Carol Dweck's work. Fundamentally seeing challenges not as verdicts on your fixed abilities, but as opportunities to learn and expand your capacity.
If you focus on building capacity, every setback becomes data, not definitive failure. It builds confidence for the next challenge because you believe your skills can grow.
[00:14:21] Speaker C: Makes sense. Anything else?
[00:14:22] Speaker D: Strong coping skills. Which isn't just about having techniques, but fundamentally believing you can manage. It involves actively seeking solutions where possible.
But, and this is key, if a situation truly cannot be changed right now.
Sometimes the most effective coping skill is the ability to let go, to accept until the right path forward reveals itself. Not fighting unwinnable battles in the moment.
[00:14:46] Speaker C: Acceptance as a coping skill. That's interesting. Now, to make this super practical, the sources listed specific ways to build resilience. Some seemed counterintuitive.
[00:14:55] Speaker D: Yeah, often the small, consistent habits matter more than grand gestures.
[00:14:59] Speaker C: One that really stood out to me was have the courage to be imperfect. How does that fight stagnation?
[00:15:04] Speaker D: Oh, massively.
Perfectionism is the enemy of initiate action.
If you're waiting for the perfect plan, the flawless first step, the guaranteed success before you move, you'll stay stuck giving yourself permission to be messy, to make mistakes, to learn as you go. That's what allows momentum to build. Imperfection fuels action.
[00:15:27] Speaker C: That's freeing. What's another important one?
[00:15:29] Speaker D: Focus more on things you can control.
This sounds simple, but it's profound.
So much anxiety and stress comes from dwelling on things outside our sphere of influence. What other people think, global events, past mistakes.
[00:15:42] Speaker C: Right. The what ifs and if onlys.
[00:15:44] Speaker D: Exactly. Consciously shifting your focus back to what you can control, your attitude right now, Your next small action, how you spent your time, your boundaries. That's where your power lies. It starves the anxiety.
[00:15:54] Speaker C: Okay. This idea of choosing your focus, choosing your response, it reminds me of that Cherokee legend you mentioned earlier, the one about the two wolves. How does that fit in here?
[00:16:01] Speaker D: It's a beautiful and simple metaphor for exactly this choice point. For anyone not familiar, the legend describes an internal battle raging inside each of.
[00:16:09] Speaker C: Us between two wolves.
[00:16:10] Speaker D: Yes. One wolf is essentially Good. It embodies things like joy, peace, love, hope, truth, compassion. It lives in harmony. The other wolf is, well, let's call the angry or fearful wolf.
It embodies envy, resentment, self pity, guilt, hate. It's always fighting.
[00:16:30] Speaker C: And the core question is, the grandson.
[00:16:31] Speaker D: Asks his elder, which wolf wins?
The one you feed. Simple, profound, and directly applicable to resilience and avoiding that emotional stagnation we talked about.
When you're operating below the line, caught in blame, self pity, avoidance, harsh self judgment, you are actively feeding that negative wolf.
[00:16:50] Speaker C: So how do we apply this moment to moment?
[00:16:51] Speaker D: The key is developing your pause button. That moment when you feel that reactive anger or fear or defensiveness rising up, that fight or flight kicking in. You have to learn to freeze before you react.
[00:17:01] Speaker C: Based on that impulse, how do you create that pause?
[00:17:03] Speaker D: It can be anything that interrupts the pattern. The material suggests simple things.
Ask yourself a genuinely curious question about why you're reacting this way. Or something physical like consciously wiggling your toes or taking one deep breath, anything to create a split second of space between stimulus and response.
[00:17:23] Speaker C: And in that space, in that space.
[00:17:26] Speaker D: You get to choose.
You can consciously decide not to feed the angry wolf. You can choose to respond from a place of truth or values or compassion instead, to walk above the line. It's the ultimate micro action that initiate action, step applied internally, choosing which wolf.
[00:17:42] Speaker C: To feed with your thoughts and actions.
[00:17:44] Speaker D: Every single day, multiple times a day.
[00:17:46] Speaker C: So let's bring this all together. For everyone listening, the big message seems setbacks, challenges, moments where the world breaks us. Yeah, they're going to happen. That's part of life.
[00:17:55] Speaker D: Inevitable, yes.
[00:17:56] Speaker C: But the research, the framework, the wisdom traditions, they all suggest that staying down, getting stuck in that broken place, that part is a choice.
[00:18:04] Speaker D: It really is.
[00:18:05] Speaker C: When we use tools like Resilie, when we recognize the impact, evaluate the lessons, shift the story, initiate action, lean on support, integrate the growth, and empower others. We're not just surviving, we're actively reclaiming the pen, rewriting our story with strength, with new capacity.
[00:18:23] Speaker D: We're growing, bouncing forward.
[00:18:25] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:18:26] Speaker D: And maybe a final thought to leave you with something that touches on permanence and what really matters. It comes from the wisdom shared by Master Shi Heng Yi. He points out that everything we tend to rely on materially, like our job or home, or psychologically, like a specific identity or relationship, it can disappear. None of it is permanent.
[00:18:44] Speaker C: That's a sobering thought.
[00:18:46] Speaker D: It is, but his point is that these things shouldn't ultimately define our core sense of self. And sometimes paradoxically losing what we thought was everything.
That can be the biggest catalyst, because it forces us to see what's truly valuable, what remains when the external stuff falls away. And that core value he suggests never really has a monetary aspect, something deeper.
[00:19:06] Speaker C: Resilience allows us to connect with that deeper value, perhaps.
[00:19:09] Speaker D: I think so. It helps us navigate the losses without losing ourselves.
[00:19:13] Speaker C: Okay, so resilience is built. It's built through conscious action, through mindset shifts, through choosing how we respond day by day. We've talked about the formula, the attitudes, the choice. So the final question for you listening right now is this.
What small immediate action, that vital initiate action step will you take today, right now, to feed the right wolf?
[00:19:43] Speaker B: You've just listened to another episode of the Other your with Ben and Sarah. Thank you for your insights and for sharing this chapter. I'm Jeanette Dunlop and I truly hope this week is your week for curiosity, vision and choice to set the author free.
So if this episode spoke to you, share it with someone rewriting their own story.
Subscribe to the Other your and follow for more transformative conversations.
Join our community on Nettie's Facebook page and hashtag rewriteyourstory and also tag myself, Ennette Dunlop to share your reflections.
Until next week, keep writing and keep.
[00:20:27] Speaker A: Becoming Bring me forward to the light I see step by step with curiosity Embracing the change inside of me Inspired for where this will lead me I have called it I'll allow it Let it be Set the author free I am authentic I am growth Set the author free Set the author free Set the author free it's now up to me Set the author free.
