Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Sa light breaks through my window Quiet hope begins to rise.
Every doubt starts to melt away. Now in the warmth of open sky.
[00:00:46] Speaker B: We are all storytellers. Every day, with every choice, we add a new line to the narrative of our lives.
Some of those lines are full of laughter and light.
Others carry the weight of struggle, disappointment, or silence.
For many of us, the stories we carry weren't entirely written by us. They were shaped by expectations, by the voices of others, by wounds from the past. And yet, deep down, we know this is not the whole story.
I am Jeanette Dunlop, author of Rewrite youe Story and and My Book of Mantras. Welcome another natty collection, the Other your the podcast, where stories transform, voices rise and possibilities unfold.
And explore the power of rewriting our stories.
Today, alongside your hosts, Ben Jenkins and Sarah Michaels, we'll uncover the courage, the tools, and the inspiration to write your story not as it was, but as it can be.
So take a breath, open your heart, and step into a conversation designed to remind you you are not bound by yesterday. You are free to create the other you.
[00:02:03] Speaker C: Today, we're tackling something, well, really personal. It's about finding the tools you need for what we're calling an identity reset.
You know that feeling like you're living out a story someone else wrote for you? Maybe expectations, family stuff, old wounds.
[00:02:18] Speaker D: Absolutely. It's like you're reading a script.
[00:02:20] Speaker C: Exactly. And our sources today, they're really powerful because they offer frameworks, actual ways to, you know, put down that script and start writing your own.
[00:02:30] Speaker D: It's a really common conflict, actually. You might tick all the boxes, the job, the relationship, whatever success looks like from the outside.
[00:02:36] Speaker C: Right.
[00:02:36] Speaker D: But inside there's this nagging question, is this, Is this really me?
It's that disconnect, that feeling. The mask doesn't quite fit anymore. That's what we're getting into today.
[00:02:47] Speaker C: Yeah, that disconnect, that dissonance, that's our starting point. And the material gives us this permission slip right off the bat. It says you hold the pen.
[00:02:55] Speaker D: That's key.
[00:02:56] Speaker C: And it's not about erasing your past. You can't really. It's about honoring it, learning from it, and using it as the foundation for the life you actually genuinely want.
[00:03:07] Speaker D: And you need more than just good vibes for that. Right. You need a method. So this deep dive, it's about clarity. We're trying to move past the fluffy stuff and give you actionable tools like.
[00:03:18] Speaker C: Coaching frameworks, real psychological concepts.
[00:03:21] Speaker D: Exactly. Things to take apart that self doubt and actually guide you through reinventing things.
[00:03:27] Speaker C: So the big takeaway here, maybe the most important one. You're not starting over. Think of it as starting forward.
[00:03:33] Speaker D: I like that. Starting forward.
[00:03:34] Speaker C: You're not too late, you're not broken.
And you definitely don't need anyone else's permission to be authentic.
Okay, let's dig into the first big step. The sources call it the awakening. Uncovering your true self. And it really starts by seeing how much inherited identity is just everywhere.
[00:03:53] Speaker D: Oh, definitely. We get programmed, often without even realizing it. Those little messages like, be the good.
[00:03:57] Speaker C: Girl or don't make waves or don't be too much.
[00:04:00] Speaker D: That one does a lot of damage.
[00:04:02] Speaker C: Yeah. And those messages, they become our internal rules, right?
[00:04:05] Speaker D: They do. They become our code. So we take on these roles, the responsible one, the peacemaker, the reliable one, and we build this life that works. It's predictable, but maybe it lacks something.
[00:04:18] Speaker C: Vitality.
[00:04:18] Speaker D: Exactly. Because it wasn't fully chosen. It wasn't authentically yours. So when that life starts to feel wrong, you hit this crossroads, and it feels like failure. It can. Yeah. But the sources are really clear.
That crossroads, that's not the end. That's the start of your real story, the one you get to write.
[00:04:36] Speaker C: That moment of realizing, okay, this life I built doesn't actually fit who I am anymore. That's the trigger for this identity reset. And our sources boil this huge internal shift down to three core questions, really.
[00:04:50] Speaker D: Essential ones, and the order is super important. They kind of build on each other. First, who am I? Like, fundamentally, without the labels and roles?
[00:04:57] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:04:57] Speaker D: Second, why am I here? Which gets at purpose, your unique contribution. And then third, what do I truly want?
[00:05:03] Speaker C: Why is getting that alignment so crucial? I mean, most people think they know what they want, right? A different job, more money, whatever.
Why isn't just knowing number three enough?
[00:05:13] Speaker D: Because if you haven't done the work on one and two, who you are and why you're here, then your answer to what do I want? Is probably. Well, let's be honest. It's probably shaped by old conditioning or fear or what society expects or what your parents wanted. If you chase that desire, even if you get it, it's going to feel hollow. It has to line up with your core self and your purpose. Otherwise you're just swapping one mask for another.
[00:05:38] Speaker C: And speaking of those external pressures, those societal roles, there's this really kind of shocking analogy the sources use.
[00:05:46] Speaker D: Oh, the sheep and the shepherd one.
[00:05:47] Speaker C: Yeah. It says the sheep spend their whole lives fearing the wolf, only to be eaten by the shepherd.
[00:05:53] Speaker D: That's wow. It's unsettling, isn't it? It forces you to look at, well, who's the shepherd in your own life?
[00:05:58] Speaker C: What does the shepherd represent?
[00:06:00] Speaker D: It's the trusted system, maybe the authority figure, that internalized voice of expectation. It could be a company culture, a societal norm, even a family dynamic that you believe is protecting you, but it's.
[00:06:13] Speaker C: Actually controlling you, keeping you penned in.
[00:06:15] Speaker D: Potentially, yes. It limits your autonomy, maybe subtly.
So we're so busy worrying about the wolf, the big, obvious risks, the scary changes, Right?
[00:06:24] Speaker C: The unknown.
[00:06:25] Speaker D: Yeah, but the real constraint might be the comfort, the predictability offered by the shepherd. That routine feels safe, but maybe it's keeping you from who you could be.
[00:06:35] Speaker C: So recognizing that control, that maybe hidden agenda, that's the confrontation we need.
[00:06:41] Speaker D: That's the starting point for real growth. Absolutely. You have to ask yourself, what am I refusing to see? What am I refusing to confront about how things really are? Because the sources warn pretty bluntly, you cannot change what you refuse to confront.
[00:06:53] Speaker C: And that confrontation, it often feels, well, unstable, chaotic even. Which leads us right into how we actually navigate change itself. I really like the chemistry analogy here. The atoms and bonds one. Yeah. Living things are atoms held together by bonds, some strong, some weaker. And the only constant in any chemical reaction is change.
The unexpected thing happening.
[00:07:15] Speaker D: Right. And our gut reaction is usually to try and control that, avoid the surprise element.
[00:07:19] Speaker C: But the lesson is you can't really. You have to surrender to the fact that change is going to happen internally, externally. It's just the way life works.
[00:07:29] Speaker D: And surrender here doesn't mean giving up. It means acknowledging change is the engine of life, basically, not fighting reality.
[00:07:37] Speaker C: Okay, so change happens. And even if it's a good change, like leaving a bad situation, it often still involves pain. Right? Because you're losing something familiar. The old identity, the predictable life.
How do we handle that transformation without just feeling lost at sea?
[00:07:51] Speaker D: Well, this is where using the seven stages of grief can be incredibly helpful. Not just for, you know, actual bereavement, but as a map for navigating any major life change, healing, personal growth.
[00:08:04] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:08:04] Speaker D: Understanding these stages helps you understand yourself better, like why you're feeling what you're feeling during a big shift.
[00:08:10] Speaker C: Can we look at a couple? How does, say, denial show up in an identity reset?
[00:08:15] Speaker D: Oh, denial is huge here. It's when you kind of know intellectually that you need a change, but you keep telling yourself, oh, I still love this career, or these draining relationships are fine, really.
[00:08:27] Speaker C: Right. Your head says one thing, but your gut is screaming something else.
[00:08:32] Speaker D: Exactly. It's that gap. It's your mind trying to cling to what's known, what feels safe, even if it's not working anymore. It's a defense mechanism.
[00:08:40] Speaker C: Okay, what about bargaining? I can see that happening. Trying to make deals.
[00:08:44] Speaker D: Totally. Bargaining is when you try to sort of negotiate your way out of the discomfort. You might try to hang on to approval from people whose expectations you're actually trying to move away from.
[00:08:54] Speaker C: Like, okay, I'll change careers, but only if I can keep the exact same salary and my family's totally okay with it.
[00:08:59] Speaker D: Precisely. Or I'll follow my passion, but first I have to do this one last impossible thing for someone else. It's like trying to serve the shepherd while also planning your escape.
Recognizing denial and bargaining as just normal phases, not signs you're failing, that really helps speed things up.
[00:09:15] Speaker C: And the sources brought up this interesting nuance in the eighth stage called adjustment. Why is that important to think about?
[00:09:21] Speaker D: Yeah. So the seventh stage is usually seen as acceptance and hope, kind of the finish line. But adjustment, that's the ongoing work after acceptance. It's the slow, steady process of stabilizing your life around the new reality, building new routines, reframing how you operate day to day based on this new identity. If we skip acknowledging adjustment, we can feel like we've failed if we're not suddenly, magically fixed the moment we hit acceptance.
[00:09:50] Speaker C: Ah, so it gives you permission for it to be a process.
[00:09:52] Speaker D: Exactly. It reminds us that building this new life takes time and frankly, self compassion. It's ongoing.
[00:09:59] Speaker C: And there was this really interesting generational point made too, about Gen x. Born roughly 65 to 80, the idea that they might be the first generation with the sort of freedom and option to actually prioritize healing, it's a profound thought.
[00:10:12] Speaker D: For many generations before, it was just about survival, right? Personal trauma, stifling expectations, you just endured them. There wasn't the space or maybe the cultural permission to untack it all. This idea of an identity reset, it requires resources, time, emotional energy, sometimes financial breathing room that just weren't available to many.
[00:10:32] Speaker C: So recognizing that isn't about blame, not at all.
[00:10:35] Speaker D: It's about acknowledging the unique opportunity, maybe even responsibility, that many of us have now to do this healing work, not just for ourselves, but maybe to break cycles for the future.
[00:10:46] Speaker C: So if growth is the goal, we know we have to step outside our comfort zone. But that takes emotional awareness. Step too far, you freak out, stay put, you stagnate, right?
[00:10:56] Speaker D: Finding that sweet spot.
[00:10:57] Speaker C: And the sources map this out with four Emotional zones, which I found really helpful for just figuring out where you are at any given moment.
[00:11:03] Speaker D: They're great diagnostic tools. Yeah. So first, obviously, is the comfort zone. Safe, predictable. We need it for rest, but stay too long.
[00:11:10] Speaker C: Stagnation station protected by excuses.
[00:11:13] Speaker D: Exactly. Then you push yourself and you might land in the anxiety zone. Stretched too thin, maybe too much change too fast. Overwhelmed. Survival mode kicks in and the old.
[00:11:24] Speaker C: Doubts get really loud there.
[00:11:25] Speaker D: They do.
That's when you need that reminder. You are not what happened to you? You are not the anxiety.
[00:11:32] Speaker C: Okay, what's the flip side?
[00:11:34] Speaker D: That would be the apathy zone. This is that kind of shadow space. Things feel flat, meaningless. You might be physically doing things, but you're emotionally checked out.
Numb.
[00:11:44] Speaker C: Not thriving, just existing.
[00:11:47] Speaker D: Yeah, it's a warning sign. Often a sign that your soul is really craving a different kind of meaning or connection.
[00:11:52] Speaker C: Which leads us, hopefully, to the goal.
[00:11:55] Speaker D: The learning zone, the sweet spot. This is where growth feels challenging, sure, but also energizing. It feels safe enough to try things, to take risks. It feels grounded. This is where you really feel your agency again.
[00:12:06] Speaker C: And you connected this to psychological safety. Like you need that not just in a team at work, but inside your own head.
[00:12:12] Speaker D: Absolutely. Amy Edmondson's work is key here. Your internal environment needs to feel safe for, well, interpersonal risk taking with yourself. Can you admit mistakes to yourself without beating yourself up? Can you ask tough questions without shame?
[00:12:27] Speaker C: Because if you're constantly criticizing yourself for trying and failing, you'll just stop trying.
[00:12:32] Speaker D: Fear silences that inner voice that's willing to take a chance.
So the goal isn't perfection. It's not staying in the learning zone 24 7. That's impossible.
[00:12:42] Speaker C: It's awareness.
[00:12:43] Speaker D: It's awareness knowing when you've slipped into anxiety or apathy and having the tools and the courage to gently nudge yourself back towards learning.
[00:12:52] Speaker C: Okay, so we've got the awareness. Maybe we've answered those big questions. Who am I? Why am I here? What do I want now?
We have to do something. We shift from awareness to action, from inventory to authorship. Yeah, I like that. Goal setting isn't just ticking boxes. It's choosing the title for your next chapter. But, you know, a goal without a plan is just a wish.
[00:13:11] Speaker D: True. And if we want those goals to actually stick, especially when they're tied to a new identity, we need some structure. That's where the Jarrell model comes in. It's been around for ages. Like 20 years.
Solid coaching framework designed for clarity and for making change.
[00:13:25] Speaker C: Actually, last, let's Walk through, grow.
Say someone listening wants to shift careers, move away from that path they inherited. How would grow help?
[00:13:34] Speaker D: Okay, so G is goal. Be specific, not just be happier. It needs to be concrete. Like I want to launch my own consulting business in the next 18 months. Tangible.
[00:13:44] Speaker C: Got it. Then R is reality.
[00:13:47] Speaker D: This is the honest assessment. Where are you right now? What skills do you have? What resources? What limiting beliefs are popping up? No judgment, just radical honesty about the starting point.
[00:13:57] Speaker C: Okay, then O is options.
[00:13:59] Speaker D: Right. If the goal is the destination and reality is where you are now, options are all the possible roads. What could you do? Get more training. Find a mentor. Set a boundary at your current job. Just brainstorm. Everything first.
[00:14:11] Speaker C: Don't filter yet.
[00:14:12] Speaker D: Exactly. Then you narrow down later. And finally, W is will. Or sometimes way forward.
This is the commitment. What are you actually going to do?
[00:14:20] Speaker C: This feels like a tricky part. Commitment can fade.
How does grow handle? You know, the inevitable wobble when self sabotage creeps in?
[00:14:29] Speaker D: Well, it forces you to define that first step and it links into research. Like Dr. Edwin Locke's goal setting theory. Specifically, challenging goals work best. But crucially, you need feedback.
The will part needs to be a concrete action you commit to now. And neuroscience tells us that achieving even small steps towards a clear goal activates our dopamine system, reinforces the focus.
[00:14:51] Speaker C: Which is why those vague New Year's resolutions almost always fail. Right? They lack that specificity.
[00:14:56] Speaker D: Precisely. Which brings us to the smarter method to make those goals really robust.
[00:15:01] Speaker C: Okay, smarter. It builds on growth.
[00:15:02] Speaker D: Yeah, it makes the goal description even tighter. Specific, measurable. We know those. Achievable. Is this actually realistic for you right now, considering your life, season, your energy.
[00:15:11] Speaker C: Your finances, and relevant. This feels huge for an identity reset. Does this goal actually align with the new you, the one you uncovered? Or is it still trying to please the old shepherd?
[00:15:24] Speaker D: Critical check. Then time bound. Give it a deadline or milestone.
[00:15:27] Speaker C: The last two E and R evaluated.
[00:15:30] Speaker D: How will you track your progress? Regularly. Honestly, that's the feedback loop. And rewarded. What's the little celebration? Internal or external? When you hit a step, acknowledge the win, that fuels the dopamine.
[00:15:42] Speaker C: Okay, but even with a smarter goal, life happens. You'll slip up, you'll miss a deadline. You'll fall back into an old habit. What then? The sources say, don't just scrap it all and start over.
[00:15:52] Speaker D: Right. That start over mentality is so damaging. Instead, use the three R's. First, pause. Just stop. Reflect on what happened, what the lesson is. No shame spirals allowed.
[00:16:01] Speaker C: Okay, Pause. Don't panic.
[00:16:03] Speaker D: Second Pivot? Does the goal need adjusting?
Maybe it wasn't realistic or circumstances changed. It's okay to change the target if needed. Your growth matters more than sticking rigidly to an outdated plan. And third, proceed.
Just begin again right now. Not tomorrow, not next week. Start again. But this time you're wiser because you learned something from the pause and the pivot.
[00:16:24] Speaker C: And we can make this even stronger by weaving the commitment into our identity. Right? Using mantras.
[00:16:30] Speaker D: Yes. The most powerful goals become expressions of who you are, not just things you do. So instead of just my goal is to speak up more, maybe the mantra is I am authentic or My voice matters.
[00:16:42] Speaker C: I am strength. I am enough.
[00:16:44] Speaker D: Exactly. Repeating those reinforces the identity you're stepping into. Makes the actions feel more like natural expressions of that self.
[00:16:53] Speaker C: So wrapping this all up, what does this deep dive really mean for you? Listening right now? It means it's setting goals. This whole process, it's fundamentally about becoming the author of your own future.
[00:17:02] Speaker D: One decision at a time.
[00:17:03] Speaker C: Yeah. One daily choice. It takes curiosity about yourself, courage to face the uncomfortable stuff, and persistence to keep going.
[00:17:11] Speaker D: And it's worth remembering this journey isn't easy. There's that quote. To be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best to make you somebody else is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight.
[00:17:22] Speaker C: It really is a battle, sometimes personal, yes, but also kind of political in a way, pushing back against those external pressures.
So if this whole thing is about reclaiming who you are, unlearning that old programming, here's the challenge for you today.
Can you identify just one inherited expectation, one small piece of that shepherd's control? You're ready to let go of just.
[00:17:46] Speaker D: One thing, to surrender so you can make space for what you truly want. Don't just set goals, set your soul on fire.
[00:17:54] Speaker B: You have just listened to the first episode of the Other Your.
Thank you, Ben and Sarah, for sharing your insights and for sharing this chapter.
I am Jeanette Dunlop and I truly hope this week is your week to shine.
Remember, things are not being done to you. They are being done for you. They so if today's conversation reminded you that your story is still yours to shape, we encourage you to take the first step. Pick up the pen, reflect and rewrite the part of your journey that no longer serves you.
Remember, you are not the draft of your past. You are the author of your future.
To keep exploring ways to create the other you. Be sure to subscribe, share this episode with someone who needs it and join our growing community of storytellers within Nettie's Facebook group. Until next time, keep writing and keep becoming.
[00:18:53] Speaker A: Close your eyes Feel the silent motion Waves of peace around your soul in this space Find your gentle ocean Let your spirit slowly unfold and we rise we shine inside the light all our fears they drift away tonight Softly held by hope Go skies above Guided by the blow of love Sam.
